The Shame Game

Shame has been something I have dealt with for years, as I’m sure others have too. But why, as Christians, do we allow shame to cripple our future, and our mental, spiritual, and emotional growth? Why do we allow it to become the directing force of our future?

What is shame anyway? The dictionary describes shame as “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” We have all made decisions we have regretted, or that have caused us to feel humiliated. Shame causes us to hide from God and withdraw from people. We aren’t the first  to deal with shame. Adam and Eve hid from God and covered themselves because of shame. (Genesis 3:7-11) When they decided to go outside of what God commanded they suddenly had the feelings of shame. God gave us a conscience to guide us in making good decisions, but not to be forever tormented by our sin or mistakes.

Becoming pregnant at 17, being unmarried, and on top of that a Pastor’s daughter, shame quickly followed those choices, and I allowed it to become a negative influence  in my life. The shame I carried stopped me from asking others for help when I needed it. Even into my early and mid 20’s, which is years after some of these decisions were made, I would tell myself things like, “you got yourself here so what are you complaining about” or “you deserve the hardships you’re experiencing because you made so many bad choices.” I was punishing myself for every past mistake I made. I would be so hard on myself, that even if I wanted free of the shame, and God was standing there with my freedom, I continued to remain bound. I felt so worthless that I believed I deserved the worse, and for years allowed myself to be disrespected, belittled, and walked on. I believed “nothing good can from my choices,” and “how can I ever get myself out of the mess I am in?”

But, why do we believe these things? As a Christian, we believe that when we ask for forgiveness and repent that God does not hold on to or remember our mistakes. But why couldn’t I accept that for myself? Shame will cripple you into being an insecure, negative shell of the person God created you to become. Shame paralyzes you from accomplishing your purpose. Shame will corrode the very core of your being. Shame makes you feel unworthy to be loved. Shame says that because I am imperfect I am unacceptable. SHAME LIES!

So how do we overcome the shame? You have to make a daily decision that you will not live in the past but in the present moment. Forgive yourself for the choices you made. You can’t change them, so why dwell on them? But also forgive others who may have put you in a position of feeling shame. Those two things will get you moving forward and leaving shame behind. When shame starts screaming our past mistakes and failures bring those things into the light of Christ. Romans 8:1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. Shame only has as much power is you allow it to have.

I read an article about the Ubuntu tribe in South Africa, and they have a ritual that when a member of the tribe does something wrong, they bring that person to the middle of the village and surround them for two days speaking of all the good that person has done. They believe that a person is good, but as humans we make mistakes. They believe that unity and affirmation have more power to change a person than shame and punishment. While reading that article, it was as though a light bulb came on and it made sense. That  mentally tormenting ourselves with the guilt and shame of mistakes we can’t take back does not have a positive affect in our lives. It also reminded me of how important it is to find your tribe and those people who can encourage you and speak life into you.

When we take the failures and struggles that shame magnifies, and use them as building blocks to grow instead of placing them on our shoulders as a weight to carry, we turn them into stepping stones that guide us into our future and destiny. The very thing that you carry and feel ashamed about may be the very story that someone else needs to hear to know they’re not alone. Or to get them through the struggles they are dealing with.

The difficulties I experienced while being a teen mom, going through a rough divorce, and being a single parent, have become my testimony. I did not allow those challenges to stop me from becoming who God has destined for me to become. Have I arrived? Absolutely not, but I am no where near the place I was one year ago or even five years ago.

If you are struggling with the weight of shame, know that you are not alone! If you have struggled and overcome shame, share your story and how you overcame so that others can be encouraged. You are more than your past mistakes.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.