Finding Beauty In Brokenness

Hello Fierce Mama Tribe….
It has been awhile since I’ve written. Life has delivered some baffling struggles the last several months, and I have wrestled with writing. I hope this post will bring healing for you and for me.

Circumstances arise in all of our lives, sometimes by our own choices, and other times from others who are determined to make our lives as miserable as theirs. I am 100% human and I have allowed these circumstances to knock me down, and question my purpose. I have allowed other people’s opinions about me, and my own personal choices to attempt to define who I am.

I have disqualified myself because of my choices and the struggles I have had to walk through, that most people know nothing about. I got to a really dark place questioning everything from being a good mom, friend, sister, etc. Depression began to overcome my life, and I didn’t want to wake up in the mornings because who knew what that day would bring, and what insane things would happen! I began to go through the motions. Get the kids to school, go to work, get the kids from school, get homework done, cook dinner, etc. I was doing my best to keep everyone else healthy and happy, while not taking care of myself. When all I wanted to do was shut myself in my room and not come out. What would it matter anyway?

I became overwhelmed and let everything weigh so heavy on my mind and emotions. I wrestled with anxiety. Not many even knew I was struggling because I got really good at wearing a mask and being what I thought others expected me to be, smiling through it all. I felt like I had to be strong for everyone else. And I definitely couldn’t let others see my weakness. I began to feel so unlovable. It felt as though everything was crashing around me, and no matter where I grasped I couldn’t get to solid ground.

I was unable to accept that good things could happen in my life. And when good things would happen, I found myself sabotaging those things. I would disappoint myself first before anyone else could do it. I felt like I had to prove my worth to everyone…just being me didn’t seem to be good enough.

I was living daily in hopelessness and rejection. I felt completely broken in every area of my life. No matter how much I cried out to God, it seemed He wasn’t listening. IF He was listening, then why were these things continuing to happen? Why were my kids still struggling? Why was I constantly having to live in defense mode because of constant accusations coming in my life? Why did I feel so unlovable?

Then I had to remind myself that my circumstances do not define me. 

I do not tell you these things so that you can feel sorry for me, but I tell you these things so that someone reading this will know they are not alone in their struggles. But I also tell you these things because there is hope! Things didn’t just magically get better. I have had to make a daily decision to be grateful and not allow my circumstances to define me. When I allow circumstances to define me, I am giving those things the power to control my life. I can’t control what may happen in my life, but I can control my response to it.

As I was going through these struggles I constantly felt broken. Then I was reminded of the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with gold, Kintsugi or Kintsukuroi.
“Rather than rejoin ceramic pieces with a camouflaged adhesive, the Kintsugi technique employs a special tree sap lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Once completed, beautiful seams of gold glint in the conspicuous cracks of ceramic wares, giving a one-of-a-kind appearance to each “repaired” piece.

This unique method celebrates each artifact’s unique history by emphasizing its fractures and breaks instead of hiding or disguising them. In fact, Kintsugi often makes the repaired piece even more beautiful than the original, revitalizing it with a new look and giving it a second life.” https://mymodernmet.com/kintsugi-kintsukuroi/

God has a habit of taking the imperfect, broken things and using them for His glory. . .
David – had an affair
Peter – had a temper
Noah – got drunk
Jonah – ran from God
Paul – was a murderer
Gideon – was insecure
Miriam – was a gossip
Martha – was a worrier
Thomas – was a doubter
Sara – was impatient

His power is not proven through perfect people, but through those people who are broken and imperfect, and are willing to let Him work through them.

“My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 MSG

Much love,